“If only…”
Any sentence that starts with these words never ends well. It’s filled with pain, loss, and the feeling of unfulfilled potential. We believe that if only things happened differently, then the rest would fall into place.
Like heavy snow on a rooftop, fixating on the negatives will weigh you down. When the burden is too great, the foundations weaken. Then, they collapse.
In the face of disappointment, it’s easy to lie down and not want to get back up.
But things are not always what they seem. What seems bad may not be so bad after all. It may even turn out to be good.
If things haven’t been going your way, here’s a Chinese parable that will help you see things differently:
Once upon a time, there was a farmer who lived with his son. They were very poor and only had one horse. One day, the horse ran away.
The neighbors heard the news and came to offer their condolences. “Such bad luck!” they cried. “We’re so sorry to hear what happened.”
The farmer simply replied, “Maybe. Maybe not. We’ll see.”
A few days later, their horse returned and brought along a herd of wild horses. Now, the farmer not only had his original horse, but several new horses to plough the fields.
The neighbors heard the news and came to offer their congratulations. “Such good luck!” they cried. “We’re so happy to hear what happened.”
The farmer simply replied, “Maybe. Maybe not. We’ll see.”
The son went to work taming the wild horses. A few days later, he fell off one of the horses and broke his leg.
The neighbors heard the news and came to offer their condolences. “Such bad luck!” they cried. “We’re so sorry to hear what happened.”
The farmer simply replied, “Maybe. Maybe not. We’ll see.”
Soon after, the country went to war. All the young men were drafted for the army. It was a terrible war and most of the young men died. However, the farmer’s son was spared from fighting because of his broken leg.
The neighbors heard the news and came to offer their congratulations. “Such good luck!” they cried. “We’re so happy to hear what happened.”
The farmer simply replied, “Maybe. Maybe not. We’ll see.”
This parable is known as 塞翁失馬, or Sāi Wēng lost his horse.
I remember this story whenever things don’t go the way I want them to. Sometimes events that seem unfortunate can turn out for the better, and vice versa. You never really know the full consequences until much later.
The story reminds me of an acquaintance, starting from her university years. She beat out hundreds of candidates for a full-time position at a firm after graduation. Initially ecstatic, she put all her effort into proving herself.
But as the years went by, those 12-hour days and grueling workweeks began to take a toll. That prestigious job wasn’t so shiny anymore.
She wasn’t being promoted, which was a signal from the firm that it was time to leave. So, she went and found a new job. Unfortunately, it was in a city she was much less enthusiastic about.
However, she met her spouse at this company. Together, they relocated so that she could pursue graduate studies in a field she was passionate about. As for the rest of the story? We’ll see.
In your life, you’ve probably run into many events that made you feel immediately overjoyed, or immensely upset. But eventually those initial feelings wore off. Maybe you realized that what had happened wasn’t such a big deal after all, or the outcome wasn’t what you expected.
Results are outside your control. Any action you take can have many different outcomes, some of which you probably never even anticipated at the time. While you don’t have control over how things turn out, you do have control over how you react to them.
I’ve found this mindset effective for responding to stressful events. It’s easy to find yourself sitting on a rollercoaster of emotions, going up and down over every single thing that happens to you. But once you realize it’s too early to tell whether something is good or bad, you begin to adopt a more peaceful mindset.
What you see as a blessing today can end up a curse, and what you see as a curse today can end up a blessing. So don’t sweat the small stuff.