When it comes to boosting people’s confidence, we hear the same pieces of advice all the time:
The problem with these phrases is that they assume people can simply build up courage on their own to achieve their goals. It makes us think that if we just put in the effort and try hard enough, we can become confident.
A lot of the times, we can’t.
One dreary day, a professor was sitting at his desk when a fateful event occurred. As he marked examination papers, he noticed that a student had left a page blank. For some inexplicable reason, he jotted down a sentence: “In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit.”
This line sparked J.R.R. Tolkien’s idea of The Hobbit, which was published in 1937. It was an immediate success. Stanley Unwin, the Chairman of the publishing firm, asked him if he had any other similar stories to meet public demand.
In response, Tolkien wrote a full account of tales and named it The Silmarillion. Some of the tales were sent off to Unwin, who decided that they weren’t commercially publishable. Instead, he asked Tolkien if he could write a sequel to The Hobbit.
Disappointed, Tolkien agreed to Unwin’s request and went back to work. The publishing firm did not expect a profit and decided to incur a probable loss of 1,000 pounds. But when they published the story during 1954 and 1955, what came next surprised them.
The trilogy immediately captured the public eye. It was adapted to radio the following year, and has since then gone on to sell over 150 million copies[1]. Later, The Lord of the Rings was turned into one of the highest-grossing and critically acclaimed film series of all time. The trilogy is considered one of the greatest book series of the twentieth century.
Andre Agassi was living the dream. He traveled all over the world, had hordes of fans, and did something for a living that most people see as a hobby in their pastime. He boasts of being a former World No. 1 in tennis, an eight-time Grand Slam champion and an Olympic gold medalist.
Formerly married to actress and model Brooke Shields, Agassi’s life off court was as vibrant as his tennis performance. He would collaborate with brands such as Nike, Adidas, and American Express on multi-million dollar endorsement deals. Agassi was the ultimate sports star.
So why was he unhappy?
In his autobiography Open, Andre Agassi revealed that he hated tennis. He hated it with what he calls a “dark and secret passion”.
We’re always told by other people to think positive. The key to success is life is to believe, because once you do, you can achieve your goals. Anything is possible when you rely on the power of positive thinking.
At least, that’s what they say.
But experience shows that that’s not necessarily the case.
A few friends I knew wanted to partner up and start an advertising business. People supported their idea and doled out encouraging advice.
In usual fashion, the partners reveled in the high of embarking on a new venture. They talked excitedly about the possibilities their new business would bring. Together, they spent evenings discussing how to set up the business.
First, they set up a corporation and decided on a tax structure. Then, they looked up a few potential customers and brainstormed what kind of help they could offer. Business was going to be big.
It’s easy to see why people lie to others: to keep their jobs, to avoid an argument with someone, to protect their reputation, or because they think everyone will be better off for it. It’s wrong, we know, but sometimes we figure that doing so is the best option in a sea of bad choices.
Lying to ourselves, though? It happens quite often, and as it turns out, we’re pretty good at it. We convince ourselves that we really need that new gadget, that we made a wise financial choice, or everything is fine (when it isn’t). Even if the evidence proves otherwise, we stick to our guns and refuse to back down.
More often than not, the lies we tell ourselves are harmful to our well-being and can be more damaging than we realize. So why do we do it?
Most of us are afraid of failure.
The time and effort wasted, the humiliation, the headaches – it’s just too much.
Most of all, what if our failure confirms our worst fear: that we’re not good enough?
As we grow older, fear of failure becomes more and more real.
Eventually, not trying anything new seems like a better option because we’d rather not know the limit of our capabilities.
Failing in any area of life can be terrifying when you look at it that way.
But recently, I’ve been looking at failure from a different perspective. It’s one that a lot of entrepreneurs and innovative companies use to test out new ideas.
Here’s how it works.
This is part two of the Gut Instinct series. To read part one on gut instincts and people, click here.
Imagine you’re at a casino. Your palms are sweating as you hold a pair of dice in your hand. A crowd forms around the table and watches intently. This is it.
“I have a good feeling about this.”
You shake the dice loosely in your hand, hoping you’ll get lucky. Your fingers let go and the dice fly across the table. As the dice land on the board, you take one look and groan.
Regret begins to sink in.
Have you ever listened to that gut feeling you had, only for it to lead you astray? Sure, there were those times when you turned out to be right, but there are those other moments when things didn’t pan out the way you thought they would.
If Napoleon himself fell into that trap at Russia, what chance is there for the rest of us?
“I knew there was something wrong about him.”
How many times we heard someone say this, or thought this in our heads? Whenever we feel conflicted about someone we meet, we hear the same thing over and over: “trust your gut.”
We might spend days, months, or even years trying to figure something out. Is there a good chance of succeeding in this new job? Should I trust her? The wheels in our head spin as we think of all the variables and how they’ll play out.
And still, we keep hearing that we should just listen to our instincts. Complicated questions, simple answer. What should we do, and where did this whole idea of the gut instinct come from, anyway?
What is a typical day in your life like? When you get out of bed in the morning, what are the most pressing matters that come up in your head?
For Shin Dong-hyuk, living in North Korea meant that torture, chronic hunger, and executions were a normal part of life. Born in a political prison camp, his everyday experiences included back-breaking labor and harsh beatings.
In order to survive, prisoners are encouraged to inform on one another and taught not to show affection towards others, including their own family members. Because of this, Shin felt little loyalty to his family, and later watched as his mother and brother were publicly executed.
He was later assigned to work at a textile factory, where he was forced to meet daily quotas under threat of physical punishments. But it was at the factory where he met a fellow prisoner who would change his life: Mr. Park. Unlike the young Shin, Mr. Park was a well-educated 40-year-old man who had visited places outside North Korea, including Germany and China.
Sometimes it’s hard to notice when we’re stuck in a rut. You could go through the dull, numbing pain of everyday activities and not feel any desire to change anything. After all, as humans we have the amazing ability to adapt and cope with nearly any situation.
The downside though, is that we get used to things that make us unhappy. Ideas or places we used to resist eventually become the same things we cling onto, not out of need or want, but out of familiarity.
Here are some signs that you may be in a rut.